Shattered Glass

Damian,  Today is Christmas. It's been a little over a year since we lost you but here we are. Here I am.  As is always the case, I miss you. I am relieved to tell you, however, that it's not with the soul crushing hopelessness and despair that marked the first few days, weeks and months following your death.  Your absence still hurts, but it's different now – less acute, less omnipresent. I am confident that I can live out my days like this, even if nothing else changes. I can live with these feelings. What I felt in the beginning was not sustainable or livable – it was excruciating. So much so that I all but begged to be put out of my misery. I think I stuck it out because I felt I owed it to your mom. She had already been through so much. I wanted to do what I could to help her survive this ordeal. I'm glad that I did.  Your mom is also now in a much better place. It's taken a lot of work, but she is able to laugh again and enjoy herself. We went to a party last ...

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of Damian's passing. One. Whole. Year.  Looking back, it's difficult to say how I feel today about everything that I've gone through. That Dawn and I have gone through, together. "Surreal" still comes to mind, but not exactly for the same reasons as it did in the beginning. Well, some of the old ones are still there..  Did this really happen?  Is Damian really gone?  Has it really been a year since that December morning when I (we) lost my (our) only son and my (our) world irrevocably shattered?  ...but now there are new ones as well: Did I really travel to Rhode Island to tour a school that teaches the art and science of wooden boat building?  Am I serious about moving to RI so I can attend this school?  How and when did all these new people that I feel so connected to come into my life?  "Grateful" is another feeling that runs very deep. As difficult as this journey has been (and at times, still is), I struggle...