Day 123

Had a really tough day today. The sense of loss and sadness was profound. So much so that I had to opt out of work for most of the day. 

Andrea was kind enough to meet with me (and Dawn) late this afternoon which helped a little. I know that what I really need is a good night sleep but seeing Andrea helped eat up a couple hours and got me that much closer to being to put my head on the pillow. It is such a relief to have Andrea in my corner. (In our corner.) She is truly special. Same goes for Dawn. She is my rock when I need her to be, like today. So why today?

It's been a long time since I had a day anywhere as bad as this one. I think that is actually part of it, the not having a really bad day for a long time. The feelings of loss and sadness are in me all the time, they just don't rise to the surface that often. As a result, I think the pressure builds until it finally releases in a great upheaval that leaves me off kilter and reeling, not unlike an actual earthquake in terms of the release of immense pressure and the sensations one experiences during it. Only my emotional quakes last longer than a few seconds; they tend to last most of the day.  

I think the catalyst that let loose the emotional pressure my body has been building up since the last quake was the time we spent on Sunday at the Sarasota Sailing Squadron. Seeing all the Opi sailors doing their thing and running into our past acquaintances from the sailing club probably played with my subconscious. A way of adding just enough additional pressure to cause the rupture that brings it all to the surface. While I can't explain why this didn't happen yesterday, I do know that starting sometime after 10:30 this morning I just began spiraling downward. By 11:30 I was in tears and for the rest of the afternoon I kind of stayed on the cusp of surrendering to the abyss. It was very minute by minute. I just couldn't shake the overwhelming sadness that had come over me. For awhile I tried leaning into it by listening to songs that are emotionally charged for me while looking at pictures of Damian. That brought more tears but I never lost control. Ironically, I was hoping for the opposite outcome but just couldn't get there. Instead, I was just feeling really weighted down by Damian's absence and the finality of it. There were times again today where I sat in stunned silence as I let the realization wash over me for the umpteenth time that he's really gone, this happened to me (to us) and there is nothing that I can do to change any of this. 

I miss the Before. 

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