Day 159

I just completed a three day training class. The days were long but the content was good so worth the time invested. Part of me wishes that I could just turn work off for a month and spend those days taking more classes.  Of course that's never going to happen – tomorrow it's back to the salt mine. 

This evening I'm going to chill and do...nothing. Just like last night and the night before that. Dawn says that I'm too hard on myself. She' probably right – she usually is – but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm mostly just occupying space without providing much benefit to myself or those around me. Is that true? What's weird (interesting?) is that I don't think about this or feel this way until I sit down to write my blog posts. That's when the negative stuff wants to flow out of me. The rest of the day I'm fine. Or at least I feel fine. So which is the real me? The person who is ok for 98% of the day or the sad sack writing this blog? Maybe it's not an either / or answer. It could be both or it could be neither. Truth is that I simply don't know. 

One thing that I do know is that I'm not really afraid of dying like I once was. I've been telling myself that I would welcome it should it come. Not that I'm actively seeking my own demise, but if a stray bullet happened to have my name on it, I'd be ok having my ticket punched. Same goes for a diagnosis of terminal cancer. I would, however,  prefer the quick death of a stray bullet over something insidious like cancer that takes months months to play itself out. The only advantage that I can see with knowing the end is near is that I'd be able to do whatever I wanted without any guilt or remorse. My first stop on the way home from the doctor's office would be the liquor store. Again, not looking to check out but won't fight it when that day comes. Which reminds me, I need to reschedule my annual physical. I'll be out of town that week... 

Dawn and I are probably going on an Alaskan cruise in June. It's short notice but we've been talking about this for the last couple of months. Until a couple of days ago, the tentative plan was to go in August or September. Turns out that one of Dawn's college girlfriends (Ellen) is going next month so now it looks like we're going to tag along. I really have no desire to be on ship with however many thousand strangers they can jam on one of these floating hotels, but I'm willing to make an exception for Alaska. Seems like a good way to see that part of the country and coastline. Not sure I'd want to go sailing that far north in a small boat. The water is too cold and unpredictable. Best to be in the relative safety of a large ship...where the biggest risk is an outbreak of Norovirus. (I'll have to remember to pack some Imodium assuming we go.) The airfare out to Seattle and back is astronomically high so saying yes to the expense of this trip is tough. I just have to keep reminding myself that going to Alaska is on my bucket list. Probably best to do it now, while there is still a glacier, or two, left to see.   

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