Shattered Glass

Full disclosure: In social settings, people avoid me. They don’t want to make eye contact with me, nor do they want to talk to me. I’m not approachable. The thing that sucks (for me) is I have no idea why this is.  I went to two corporate dinners this week. On both occasions I felt like an outcast. Conversations were going on all around me but I wasn’t part of any of them. Not really. Heads were turned away from me. At no point did anyone turn to ask me a question or make eye contact to welcome me to the group.  I’ve been in other group social situations where I am talking to someone, 1 on 1, and another person will come up and initiate a conversation with the person I’m already talking to with zero acknowledgement of me or the conversation that I was already having with that person. Rude yes, but also demoralizing.  This is killing my self-esteem. It makes me want to retreat into myself and go live a life of solitude. My reason being that if there is no one else around, ...

I feel really sad today. So much so that I’m cracking open my blog for the first time in forever and writing another post.  It’s been a long time. Too long, in fact. I think I hit a point where I got burned out on writing. Or maybe it was trying to come up with something fresh to say. I don’t know what it was exactly. It just followed the same trajectory as almost everything I’ve ever done in my life - I started out with lots of dedication and persistence only to see it wither and die because I lost interest.  I’m not sure what I’m interested in anymore. Watching TV is thing I do most. Although I have picked up my (acoustic) guitar again. (Let’s see how long that lasts! I’ll be surprised if I’m still playing it by the end of the year. Color me cynical.) Is my lack of interest in life a manifestation of grief or is it something else? Today, I just feel completely tapped out. Like, what’s the point? It’s mostly all just meaningless.  The few areas of my psyche that are not ...