Day 639

I feel really sad today. So much so that I’m cracking open my blog for the first time in forever and writing another post. 

It’s been a long time. Too long, in fact. I think I hit a point where I got burned out on writing. Or maybe it was trying to come up with something fresh to say. I don’t know what it was exactly. It just followed the same trajectory as almost everything I’ve ever done in my life - I started out with lots of dedication and persistence only to see it wither and die because I lost interest. 

I’m not sure what I’m interested in anymore. Watching TV is thing I do most. Although I have picked up my (acoustic) guitar again. (Let’s see how long that lasts! I’ll be surprised if I’m still playing it by the end of the year. Color me cynical.) Is my lack of interest in life a manifestation of grief or is it something else? Today, I just feel completely tapped out. Like, what’s the point? It’s mostly all just meaningless. 

The few areas of my psyche that are not drenched in sadness are angry and bitter. I’m furious with my brother, my “friend” Mark, and a lot of others who never bother to contact me to see how I’m doing. Fuck them. But let’s get back to my sadness... 

I feel like I could cry. I don’t, but the feeling is there. Kind of. A tightening of the throat, a physical resignation - my shoulders are slumped, the corners of my mouth pulled down. I want to go home and crawl into bed. Hide. Of course, I can’t do that today. I’m at the office and have to go to a dinner engagement this evening which I am very much dreading. 

I don’t believe in heaven or hell, but I do wonder sometimes if our existence on earth is hell. My life feels that way at times, but then I remind myself that it can always be worse; the others have it MUCH worse than I do. I didn’t win the silver spoon lottery but I didn’t lose it either. The worst thing that happened to me is that my son died - terrible, yes, but others have lost so much more. I have my health, a wife who loves me, a job that pays me very well. I really don’t have a lot to complain about but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel miserable, emotionally speaking. This is why, I think, I’ve lost interest in most things.  Am I just waiting to die? To call it a day? 

I have those thoughts. That I would welcome death; ideally, in such a way as I wouldn’t see it coming. Just a flick of the switch, and it’s adios muchacho. Game over. Here one second, gone the next. And who would care? 

If I’ve learned anything from Damian’s death is that life goes on. Sadness and grief for most people are temporary. To some extent, that applies even to me - today, right now, notwithstanding. But today sucks ass.

I miss my son. I want to see him. To hug him till it hurts. To tell him that I love him and never stopped. 

Please make it stop.