Day #19

 Don’t say “no”. This was some advice that I gleaned recently by way of a personal anecdote. It’s because of this that I’m here in Florida.

In the days immediately following the death of my son, I received texts, emails and phone calls from lots of people that I hadn’t spoken to in years. Kind of blew me away. News travels fast; tragic news travels at the speed of light. And farther. One of my old friends, a fraternity brother and former roommate, came to Atlanta the following weekend for the visitation and the celebration of life. We hadn’t seen or or spoken in the better part of 15 years. He never met Damian, but here he was. With a head full of silver hair. It used to be jet black. 

At some point during that weekend we had the chance to sit down and talk. Just the two of us. We had a  good chat. As we talked about the tragic turn of events that led us to be together that day, he told me about his mother-in-law and her journey of the last year following the death of her husband. (Best guess, they had been married for 53 or 54 years at the time he died.) He told me that in the early days following her husband’s passing, she made a commitment to herself to not say “no” to social invitations from friends. Could be to meet for coffee, to go out to eat, to see a play. The what of it didn’t matter - practically speaking - just don’t say “no”. 

I understood the implications of this almost immediately. Saying “yes” to social invitations is, at least for me now, diametrically opposed to what my brain wants to do. Which is to retreat, to hide. To let the world do its thing while me and my grief do our thing. Alone. 

But after hearing this story, I, too, made a (soft?) commitment to myself that I would not, in knee jerk fashion, automatically say “no”. As a result, I’m now in Florida. 

Later this afternoon, I’m going to the Cheez-It Bowl to see my alma mater, Iowa State, take on Clemson. Do I want to be here? No. Will it be good for me to be here? Probably. Although I do have reservations about driving back home tomorrow given my state of mind after yesterday’s trek south. 

Regardless, I’m going to fight like hell to resist the urge to say “no”. Only time will tell if it makes any difference. 


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