Day 176

I want to explore the topic of consumerism. The act of purchasing things. This is going to take time as I don't have all the dots connected just yet. But rather than wait until I do, I at least want to get the basics down on "paper" as this will help me see it for what it is. I'll come back to it again, when I have more to say. 

I spend money on things ostensibly for two reasons: either because I need them or because I want them. The needs are mostly easy to identify: food, medicine, essential clothes, gas for the car, etc. Boring really and not where my interest on this topic lies. I want to focus on my impulse to satisfy perceived wants. The first thing to address is why I want to do this. 

I think I buy things as a way to make up for being disconnected with my feelings. I have an especially difficult time with happiness. Happiness for me is theoretical, like an ideal state of mind, similar to perfection. I can strive for it but never feel that I've achieved it. To compensate for this, I attach value to material things, like nice shoes, and find happiness vicariously by buying stuff that I want. 

Where I'm going with all this is that I buy things that I don't need because it makes me feel good. It just so happens that modern commerce is designed to facilitate my consumerism. I no longer have to drag myself out of the house, fight traffic to get to a store to see what they have and possibly have to go to another store if the first one didn't have what I was looking for. In less than than ten mouse clicks, I can go from impulse received – "I want new sandals!" – to order placed. The only trade off being that I have to wait two or three days for the thing I ordered to arrive at my door step. Thanks, Amazon! 

The problem with this want-buy-repeat cycle is the same with any other vice: over time I will need more in order to generate the same amount of gratification as I feel today. Put another way, buying shit I don't need but think I want is like a drug or alcohol – it's really not good for me in the long run. So did I replace my love of tequila, beer and wine with the buying stuff online? Maybe, maybe not. 

Since Damian died there has been a notable decline in my purchasing volume. What is of concern, however, is that I've started doing a lot of "window" shopping lately, looking online at things that I could buy. Most recently, I've been looking at smart watches and power tools. A few minutes ago, before I started writing this blog, I was looking at summer sandals. I've mostly not pulled the trigger, but I'm not sure how long that will last. I guess that is an acknowledgement to the fact that there is an internal struggle of wanting something but trying to hold out against the impulse to act on that want. What makes me worry even more about this is that the part of my brain that is not my friend is using Damian's death as an excuse to say "fuck it" and just do what I want. So not helpful. 

Learning how to deal in shades of gray is going to take some time and patience. Unlike my decision to not drink alcohol, which is absolutely binary, I can't not buy things. Life doesn't work that way. Instead, I have to learn to separate the impulsive wants from their more practical counterparts – things that I want and also kind of need or will benefit from having. In doing so I can  hopefully limit the number times I act on the former without denying myself the benefit of the latter. 

It's a little embarrassing to admit that this struggle is real for me, but there it is. 

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