Day 5

Almost no tears today. Almost. 

The tears, when they did come, were like a soft drizzle; a welcome departure from some of the torrential downpours of days 1, 2 and 3. Will there be more downpours? Probably. Just hard to say exactly when although there's a good bet it will happen several times over the next few days. 

Family is coming to town tomorrow; friends from out of town arrive on Friday followed by visitation, cremation on Saturday, and the celebration of life service on Sunday. I already know it's going to be hard but there's not much I can do about it. This needs to be done. For me, for my wife, for others. This is how the process works: someone dies, funeral arrangements are made, the funeral is held, and then everyone moves on. 

But who is everyone? Am I in that group or will I be left behind? Given the depth of my grief, I fear I will lag far behind. (The only other person on equal footing is Poodle.) Does that make me selfish? Is my grief more important or any worse than that of another?   I'm told I shouldn't worry about such things, but I can't not do it 100% of the time. 

People say they can't imagine anything worse than what I'm going through. Funny, neither can I. Imagine IT, that is. Yeah, I'm going through IT and I still can't imagine, or understand IT. IT just is. Horrible. Pitch black. What's weird though is that for big chunks of the day I actually feel normal. What's wrong with me? By all accounts I should be in the fetal position blubbering incoherently - like Saturday (day #1) - but I'm not. Today, I calmly planned out the details of the celebration of life (CoL) service. Later I gave comfort to someone I hadn't seen in 3 years. She was having a harder time than I was. I don't think that makes me a terrible person, but I'm not sure what it signifies. Probably nothing more than that I've already been wrung out really hard - see days 1 through 3 - and have to prepare for days 7 (visitation), 8 (cremation) and 9 (CoL service). 

A lot more wringing to come. Some of it, no doubt, will be excruciating. Oh, joy. 


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