Day 7

I'm 7 days into the After. It still feels surreal, but there are reminders everywhere that this is all too real. 

I just took out the trash - Hey! Life goes on, everyone. At least until it doesn't, that is. - and as I turned the corner of the house to walk to the trashcan I couldn't help but notice the 2 parallel ruts coming from the backyard up to the driveway. Ruts made by a gurney, weighted down, into soft Georgia clay. How long will these ruts be visible? Another week? Two? Will I always see them even if they are gone? 

There are the pictures - one as recent as 2 days before the After - but there will be no new ones. There are the clothes, the shoes, the school backpack, the cell phone, the Apple EarPods. All the signs of a life that once was but is no longer. Will I find the strength to let go or will I surround myself with these artifacts in a fruitless attempt to hold onto something that is forever gone? For now, I'm just going to kick that can down the road. At least until next week...probably longer. 

Today is about taking the first step in letting go. I got a sneak preview this morning. The shell that was his body doesn't look like him - a close approximation at best. There are some vague similarities but the details are all wrong. At least to me. Like a wax figure made by someone with only a passing familiarity of the subject. The irony is that I asked for this, because I needed it. Anything to make the imagery the moment I was thrust into the After more opaque. 

I will revisit his body one last time later this afternoon. I think it will be harder the 2nd time. Maybe it's because it will be the last time I get to see what used to be my son. Even if it is only a strange facsimile of the boy I once called Damian. 

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