Day #10 - Anger

 Today I'm angry. Not irate, not yelling and screaming, but seething. Doing a slow burn but with intensity. It's an inner rage fueled by the cruelty of my circumstance exacerbated by my impotence do anything about it. I can't undo it or make it go away. I just have to live with it. All while the world marches on. "Merry Christmas!" and "Happy New Year!" my ass.  

I want to scream. I want to channel my anger toward someone or maybe groups of someones. But who? Maybe those who didn't come to pay their respects, or the parents who are now outwardly sad but, internally, eternally grateful it wasn't their child. Or the blissfully unaware that wish me happy holidays. I want to be angry at all of them, but I can't find it in myself to go there. 

When I'm not actively trying to channel my rage towards someone, I'm back to being melancholy. Or maybe it's sadness tinged with the novocaine of denial. Either way, not fun to be or to be around. (Just ask my wife.) To try and distract myself from the simmering anger and impotent rage, I do stuff. 

Today, I deep cleaned the refrigerator. Took a couple of hours. I was going to do other stuff this afternoon, but I got told to stand down. I also got told to eat. Didn't really want to, but I did. I also got told to lean into my grief. Considering my state of mind right now, I'm not sure that is good idea. 


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