Day 4

It's been 4 days since my world came crashing down around me. 

Today, so far, has been ok. There have been only a couple waves of grief and those have been mercifully tame compared to the monster, rogue waves of yesterday. I had a good night's sleep - should I feel guilty about that? - and woke up alone in bed. 

Waking up alone was ok. Compared to the previous mornings that is. 

Grief apparently knows no schedule - it's hammered me at different times of the days since and almost always without any warning - but it had shown up in full force the previous two mornings. It's been like my very own version of Groundhog Day where each morning I wake only to realize in the first few first moments of consciousness that what happened on Saturday is real and can never be undone. From there, I spend the next few minutes reliving the raw emotional trauma of my profound loss and the tears that come with it. Then, somehow, I find the strength to get out of bed. 

But today has been...easier, less raw. I don't know why. It just is. Tomorrow morning may find me right back in the Suck, but that's for tomorrow. I can't do anything about it. This is a ride you can't get off of. Once on it, you are strapped in with no escape. But maybe, someday, the ride gets less painful. Someday, but not today. 

Today is about picking up the first pieces of glass that is my newly, shattered life. And that journey starts here. 

********

This is a blog about grief. My grief. There are others who are also in the deep end of this ocean with me, but this is not about them. 

Why blog about grief? Because I need to. I don't always express myself well verbally, especially my feelings. I'm better at writing. It gives me the time that I need to think about how I feel, lean into it, maybe let it marinate for a time, and then write, delete, rewrite as many times as I need to until what I have on "paper" matches how I feel. 

Maybe you get it, maybe you don't. Not for me to say or, as my new grief counselor tells me, care. This is for me.

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