Day #32

I'm in a dark place right now. Started around 5:30 this evening while I was working out. I was ok and then I wasn't. Not instantaneous but it did happen quickly. By the time I noticed what was happening, I was going downhill fast. 

My day started off with some quality grief counseling, followed by the running of errands that had been put off for a while, e.g., a run to the DMV, a stop at the post office, a swing by the service department at the car dealership, and a stop for lunch. And not necessarily in that order. After we got back home, I went to my basement office, logged onto my computer and got to work. Real work. The kind that pays the bills. 

A little after 5, I decided to get a work out in. I had planned to do so yesterday but my schedule took a couple of unexpected turns so had to punt and try again today. Which I did. 

After working out for 15 or 20 minutes I realized that I had zero interest in continuing, but I stuck it out for another 2 or 3 sets. And I was miserable and getting worse. All I could think at the time was that this - working out - was pointless. At the same time, I started to really feel sad, the sense of loss becoming more acute with each passing minute. By the time I got out of the shower I felt despondent. 

I haven't really felt this bad since the day we drove to Florida to see the bowl game. When I wrote my blog entry that day I was angry at the world and, if memory serves, believe I said as much. Today is different. I'm not angry like I was then, but I'm feeling a sadness that is almost debilitating. I don't want to do anything. I even made good on that when a very close friend called and I simply handed Dawn the phone after answering and saying hello. I did not want to talk to him or anyone else. I just want to dissolve into nothing.  I'm pretty sure that if I do these feelings of abject sorrow and loneliness will dissolve too. If only I could actually make that happen... 

Hello darkness, my new friend. 

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