Day 35

The forecast for this Sunday calls for cold temps with rain in the morning changing over to accumulating ice and snow in the afternoon. One to three inches are expected. We haven't had a weather event like this in Georgia for 3 or 4 years so we're overdue for a visit from old man winter. 

I was commiserating with Dawn earlier today that Damian would have been excited by the forecast. More accurately, he would have been excited by what the forecast portends: no school on Monday, or the gods willing, maybe even no school for 2 or 3 days. (We live in Georgia so it doesn't take much more than a snowflake or two, or the threat thereof, to shut down....everything.) When we realized that Monday is Martin Luther King Day and that schools around the country will be closed anyway, we both laughed. Damian would have been furious that what should have been an unplanned free day thanks to the snow was going to be wasted thanks to unfortunate timing. Even without MLK Day, he would have been grousing about the fact that the storm is going to hit on Sunday rather than have the decency to wait until Monday. 

We knew our son well. In most things anyway. Not all, but most. His likes, his dislikes. His wants, his aspirations. Thinking about this part of him, the things that made him tick, makes me melancholy. It's not an abject sadness. Not now anyway....

After we met last night with other members of our tribe, I fear the worst is yet to come for both myself and Dawn. For nearly all present, the real pain of their loss didn't truly sink in until 3 or 4 months in the after. As Dawn and I are only 5 weeks into this journey, there are lots of twists and turns no doubt yet to come for both of us. Only time will tell what new hell we have to look forward to. And maybe I'm overplaying this hand. Maybe it won't be as bad as I fear. Again only time will tell. 

As I write this, I'm reminded of the Bene Gesserit litany against fear as written by Frank Hubert in the novel Dune: 

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

The point being to not "live in fear", but instead to face, head on, whatever it is that lies in front of us. Seems like sage counsel. Now I just have to put it into practice. 

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