Day 38

Triggers. I'm assuming we all have them. Just like everyone supposedly has a 'tell'. Here in the after I'm learning what my new triggers are. Like melancholy songs. 

Yesterday afternoon I watched the pilot episode of the Kevin Kostner series Yellowstone. Towards the end of the episode there was a touching moment where Kevin Kostner's character, John Dutton, the Dutton family patriarch, is alone with his oldest son who had hours before been shot and killed. As Dutton pulls his son's limp body toward him he sits down under a tree, holding his son and starts talking to him. About what I don't know. Before Dutton got out any words a flood of emotion came over me. Something about the way he lovingly held his son's body brought me back to my last moment's with Damian. When I found his body...and new in an instant that he was gone.  

New trigger - touching father / son goodbyes - check. I'm ok with this. I don't feel any shame in leaning into my grief. It comes and it goes. When it's with me, I accept it. When it departs, I go on with my life knowing that it will come back. Eventually. 

Rinse, lather, repeat. 

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