Day 39

Today has been a "reminder" day. That's what I'm calling it. 

Putting aside what happened to Damian momentarily, there was nothing unusual or different about how the first half of my day started. I got up, took a shower, made some coffee and breakfast and headed to my office (in the basement). After logging in, I checked email, did some prep for demos that were scheduled for today and then got onto my first call / demo of the day at 9. This call lasted 2 hours; then I had to drop for another call / demo at 11. Just after noon I went upstairs for lunch. All very routine stuff. 

It was while I was having lunch that I had to stop and remind (?) myself that Damian is gone...and never coming back. I had to do it 3 or 4 times. Each time it felt wrong. Out of place. Like what had happened didn't comport with my perception of reality. At least not today. I think the reason for the disconnect is due to how normal the rest of my day had been. Today's routine was identical to that from the before. Yeah, Damian isn't here, but then again he's not supposed to be – he's supposed to be at school. Right?

That's when I had to actively tell myself: No, that's not right. Damian isn't at school. He's gone [big sigh] and I'll never see him again [bigger sigh]. I question if I should be more upset as I tell myself this, but I suspect that denial is still part of the current calculus. At least partially. I think the permanence, the finality, is hard to comprehend; hard to wrap my head around. I understand what "forever" means, at least in terms of being able to define it, but I suspect that I don't appreciate what it means, on par with a billion dollars, a petabyte, or the distance between the Earth and a star in a distant galaxy. Each just being a factor of adding more zeros to the left of the decimal place. But do we really appreciate how large these numbers are? 

Forever is another way of saying 'infinite' - a one with an unlimited number of zeros. Doesn't matter how fast you add them - the zeros - or for how long, the supply is inexhaustible. That's how long I have to wait to see my son again. Reminding myself of this hurts. 

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