Day 43

Having a bit of an identity crisis today. This is not new - I remember having others in the days immediately following Damian’s death - but today it was more acute.

Driving today from Santa Fe to Taos, via the “high road”, I was thinking about who I am as a person now that Damian is gone. It feels like his death now defines me more than anything else.  Maybe yes, maybe no - probably depends on your perspective - but the thought of it weighs me down. Like a lead-lined blanket. The heaviness of it is something that I’ve never before experienced. 

Today marks another anniversary - 6 weeks! - but I didn’t know that when I woke up to the sound of Dawn’s grieving. As we lay there, my arms wrapped around her, I kept asking her to tell me what she was feeling. It was only later that I connected the dots. I felt so dumb, so insensitive. How did I not know what today was?!  

So many different feelings, it’s hard to process them all. Maybe this contributes to my ongoing questioning of my identity. Who is this version (4.0) of Chris Beisner? Don’t know yet, but I’m working on it. 

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