Day 45

Feeling out of sorts today. I have mixed emotions about going home. Think a lot of it has to do with the realization that when we get home the nightmare of the past 6 weeks will still be upon us. Damian still won’t be there; only the ghost of him persists. 

It was easier being away. I have no memories of him here, in New Mexico. But at home, in our house, it’s nothing but. It’s these memories of him that I dread returning to. Not because I don’t love the memories themselves - I do - but because each one reminds me that is all I will ever have. 

On the drive to the airport this afternoon I wrestled (again) with questions of my purpose in this world. I have to admit that my life, today, feels pointless – without meaning or significance. Dawn told me that I’ll find a new purpose to my life. I hope she’s right and I can soon figure out what it is. This is not a good headspace to be in.

My heart is heavy. 


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