Day 46

 First day back at home after our trip to New Mexico. Things were going ok until this afternoon. 

The first stumble came after I stopped by Damian's school to pick up a check for the unused portion of this year's tuition. I should have been happy to get it, but receiving the check had the opposite effect. It's just another reminder that a) this is not a dream and b) Damian is never coming back. These thoughts put a lump in my throat as we drove the short distance from school to the office of our grief counselor 

As we pulled into the parking lot Harry Chapin's Cats in the Cradle came on which brought tears almost instantly. Second stumble.

I didn't pick up on it at first, but on the way home (after counseling) Dawn was spiraling downward pretty fast. She snapped at me a couple of times in the grocery store but I didn't think much of it. She blamed it on being hungry, but I'm learning what the signs of a broken heart look like. And hers is obviously shattered. Like glass dropped from a height onto a concrete floor. The drive home from the store was excruciating. I couldn't hold her; couldn't do anything to take away any of her pain. It's gut-wrenching to watch someone you love dearly in so much pain. It's also demoralizing to be so helpless. Third stumble. 

We've been fortunate that each time one of us bottoms out the other has been there to buoy the other up. Today it was my turn to be the lifeboat in Dawn's grief storm. The fact that I nearly capsized in the process scares me. If that happens - we both bottom out at the same time - I fear we will both drown. 

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