Day 47

Like a yo-yo. That's what this journey feels like. One minute you're in a neutral position - never would I describe it as "up" -  then all of a sudden I bottom out, then, eventually, back to neutral or somewhere in between.  Then the process repeats, the only aspects of which are unknown are the time I will spend at any particular level of the grief continuum before moving to the next or in which direction my grief will travel from my present position - downward or upward, back to neutral. The constant ebb and flow of emotions is, at best, difficult to endure; at worst, it's debilitating. 

The last 24 hours have been especially tough. Dealing again with the permanence of it all. So much so that I question now whether the trip to New Mexico was a blessing or a curse. Yes, I was able to escape for a few days from the constant reminders of what has happened but now they have all come roaring back with a force that feels much greater than when I left. Maybe I would have been better off to just stay at home and deal with it as I had been. I'm going to have to really think long and hard before I do this again...



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