Day 50

7 weeks. That’s how long I’ve been in the after. I’m so very tired of being here…

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 84

Back home in Georgia. No problems getting here, but things got a little tense between Dawn and I.  I was anxious going to the airport in Tucson because we left later than I would have preferred. Our flight was scheduled to leave just before 3PM, but we didn't leave the house until 1:15. What I didn't know until we were on our way is that it was going to take nearly 40 minutes to get to the airport. It was nearly 2 by the time we there. Fortunately it took almost no time to get our bags checked and through security, but they were close to boarding our flight by the time we got to the gate. Because of all the anxiety I had about getting there on time, I was pretty keyed up by this point. My anxiety led to a miscommunication between Dawn and I as we looked for a place to get a sandwich to take with us on the plane. She thought I took off on her; I thought she wanted to go to another place because she didn't want a sandwich. After a couple of curt exchanges, we both apologized ...
Read more

Day 642

Full disclosure: In social settings, people avoid me. They don’t want to make eye contact with me, nor do they want to talk to me. I’m not approachable. The thing that sucks (for me) is I have no idea why this is.  I went to two corporate dinners this week. On both occasions I felt like an outcast. Conversations were going on all around me but I wasn’t part of any of them. Not really. Heads were turned away from me. At no point did anyone turn to ask me a question or make eye contact to welcome me to the group.  I’ve been in other group social situations where I am talking to someone, 1 on 1, and another person will come up and initiate a conversation with the person I’m already talking to with zero acknowledgement of me or the conversation that I was already having with that person. Rude yes, but also demoralizing.  This is killing my self-esteem. It makes me want to retreat into myself and go live a life of solitude. My reason being that if there is no one else around, ...
Read more

Day 176

I want to explore the topic of consumerism. The act of purchasing things. This is going to take time as I don't have all the dots connected just yet. But rather than wait until I do, I at least want to get the basics down on "paper" as this will help me see it for what it is. I'll come back to it again, when I have more to say.  I spend money on things ostensibly for two reasons: either because I need them or because I want them. The needs are mostly easy to identify: food, medicine, essential clothes, gas for the car, etc. Boring really and not where my interest on this topic lies. I want to focus on my impulse to satisfy perceived wants. The first thing to address is why I want to do this.  I think I buy things as a way to make up for being disconnected with my feelings. I have an especially difficult time with happiness. Happiness for me is theoretical, like an ideal state of mind, similar to perfection. I can strive for it but never feel that I've achieved it....
Read more