Day 52

Another rough day. Grief has shown itself again, but not to me. At least not directly. 

Dawn, my wife, is really struggling. This afternoon has been especially difficult. Lots of powerful emotions. Despair and anger seem to be the most prevalent. It’s all very raw. Visceral. Dawn’s heart is absolutely shattered. And her mind is struggling to make any sense of it. How can it? It wasn’t supposed to play out like this. And nothing - nothing! - in life prepares you for this possibility…

I’m doing what I can to prop Dawn up, but it doesn’t feel like I’m doing enough. I hold on. I tell her I love her, that I’m here for her. Asking her if she is ok knowing that she isn’t. I make lunch. And dinner. I make promises that I am and will be here for her as long as she needs me. And then some. Whatever it takes. 

I’m beginning to see grief as kind an insidious adversary. Like a really patient and dedicated guerrilla fighter who mostly hides in the shadows. And then, when your guard is down and you feel like all may someday be ok again, it comes at you - full frontal assault - like today. 

I fear that Dawn is losing today’s battle - it’s been a very long afternoon for her - but the promise of tomorrow brings with it the hope of a reprieve. Even if that means I have tag into the ring and give it another pound of my own flesh. Whatever it takes. 

Regardless of what happens today or tomorrow I still have a conservative optimism that this war will end in a stalemate. But make no mistake there will be A LOT of scar tissue. Unfortunately, all of it inflicted upon us. 

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