Day 58

Work has started taking over. I don't know if that is good or not. I put in close to a full week last week - my first! - and have been working most of today (Sunday). I have a demo tomorrow afternoon and another on Tuesday that I have to get ready for. A few weeks ago, I was unable to concentrate on much of anything. Now it seems that my concentration is coming back. So "yeah"...I think. 

I did take a break this afternoon to go to a hockey game with Dawn. It has been several years I think since we last went to one. It was good to get out of the house. I think I can say that I had a good time. And I didn't feel guilty about it either which is a plus. 

On the way to the game Dawn and I discussed selling the (new) sailboat. I was going to list it for sale online a couple of weeks ago but I chickened out at the last minute. I just couldn't muster up the strength to part with it. I think I'm ready now to let go. Hopefully I don't get cold feet again. 

It feels like life is returning to something that sort of resembles what it was in the before. Minus, of course, the daily trips to school, family dinners, and having a 3rd opinion on most matters of importance (e.g., what movie we should watch, what we should have for dinner, restaurant choices, etc.). I miss all of it obviously and would give anything to have it back. I realize that these feelings of familiarity are due in large part to my re-engaging with work. Maybe I'm using it as a distraction; a way to focus my attention on something benign (?) rather than on all that I've lost. 

As I've said numerous times before, I don't do feelings well so it's entirely plausible that I'm avoiding it, but I don't think that is the case. I do often think about what happened, what I've lost as a result, and where my life is now going. I also try during these moments to connect with my feelings. I get a few some twitches from time to time, but rarely am I able to truly connect. I'll keep trying though. It's important to me that I do this. 


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