Day 65

A mix of emotions today: sadness, anger, resentment and bitterness. 

Not long after we woke up, Dawn shared with me that she was feeling down and that she was hungry. I told that we were going to go to breakfast - and try to make up for the fiasco that was the previous night's dinner! - and then go walk dogs at the lake. (We had talked about doing it yesterday but it didn't happen.) I knew she needed to get out of the house. 

All went according to plan but my emotions kicked in after we got done walking the dogs and I had walked over to our boat. I sold it earlier in the week - deposit has been put down but still awaiting payment of the outstanding balance - and wanted to take some pictures today to share with the new owner. There was lots of activity in the parking lot as a number of sailors were getting ready for an afternoon of racing. Many of the people there were teens. And that made me think of Damian. He has the same model of boat (Laser) that these kids. And that made me sad. He was never going to go out in his boat again. I'm not going to have any more "proud papa" moments. 

Of course, there was also parents around ostensibly supervising the proceedings but many of them were there because many of these kids don't have a driver's license, need help getting rigged, or in and out of the water, or some combination of the three. There is one parent in particular who rubs me the wrong way. I've known her for years. She and Damian never got a long. There is a long history of run-ins between this woman, Damian and Dawn. And there she was. All smiles and laughing with the other parents. She didn't come to the funeral - probably best - but neither did her husband or her kids. No acknowledgement of any kind. None. Seeing her there today made me angry. Then resentful and bitter. Sailing has brought about a number of positives for us a family, but this woman has been at or near the center of nearly every negative experience we've had with sailing. And there she was, without a care in the world. My resentment went through the roof. 

As we left the club and my mind was trapped in a whirlpool of negative emotions, I started thinking of other people who have "done me wrong". Not healthy I know, but in the moment it's hard to think objectively. I came up a with a few, not many, but a few. 

I have an immediate family member who has called me once since the funeral. Once! Not that we were close before all this happened but still. Before Damian died, I had tried a number of times to connect, but any time we spoke I was almost always left feeling looked down on. Like I'm somehow less than. And I'm bitter about the fact that his family didn't come to the services we held for Damian. Zooming out, this behavior is consistent where our side of the family is concerned, however. There are always reasons why they can't come to pay their respects. No such impediments where the other side is concerned it appears. Whatever. 

The other people on my short list are mostly all guilty of the same thing: not calling. Being brutally honest, I am a walking contradiction - I want people to call, to reach out so I know they are thinking of me, of Damian, of me and Dawn; I also don't want to talk because it can be awkward and emotionally draining. Maybe it's the same for others. But rather than suck it up and reach out, they choose instead to ignore it, to ignore me. Or maybe it's simply a case of "out of sight, out of mind", but I find that harder to accept. No, I think it's because people don't know what to say. They feel the elephant in the room but don't want to address it lest it trigger me. No, much easier just to not talk at all. 

Did I mention that I was feeling bitter today?