Day 66

Dawn and I met with our grief counselor (Andrea) again today after a 2-week break. The break wasn't planned, just the universe reminding everyone who is in charge. (Answer: no one.) Fortunately, we held our collective shit together while Andrea was sidelined. There were some touch and go moments for sure, but we did ok all things considered. I'm certain the outcome would have been entirely different had this happened a few weeks ago...But it didn't. And we're ok. 

In the second half of today's session Andrea dropped a bomb on us: apparently there are some people who, for reasons I don't fully understand, believe that Damian did not commit suicide but was the unwitting victim of a TikTok challenge. Something called the "blackout" or "hanging" challenge, the objective of which is to choke or hang yourself until you pass out. WTF?! The Internet is a breeding ground for some truly dumb shit. I know I shouldn't be surprised. I work in IT after all but damn! 

As crazy as it sounds this may actually explain what happened, assuming you can overlook the stupidity of it. Damian was NOT suicidal. This is not denial. There were NO signs of any kind. He was a happy teenager with a solid family foundation, good life and no history of depression or mental health issues. He's online playing video games late into a Friday night with his friends and is dead the following morning with a rope around his neck. So what happened in between? Seems a lot more plausible to me (and to Dawn) that he got wind of the challenge through his computer or his phone and thought: "Here. Hold my mouse, watch this." Only there was no one in the room with him to save him from himself so when he passed out (Success!) he exceeded the parameters of the challenge. And died. 

It's hard to imagine my super intelligent son of being capable of such poor decision making. How could he not see the obvious danger in doing this? Especially alone. But then I have to remind myself that he had a 15-year old brain in his head, not my brain with decades more experience and, apparently, a lot more common fucking sense.  I can't say for certain this is what happened to Damian, but I can see it as being a distinct possibility. Will I ever be able to prove this is what happened? Unlikely. But unless I find evidence to either directly refute it or that points back to him intentionally taking his own life, I'm going to run with it. As much as I hate to admit it or to even write these words, doing something dumb like this for some kind of Internet street cred aligns with who he is. Or was. 

Now I just have to go look at myself in the mirror and question why the hell I wasn't more on top of what he was looking at online. 

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