Day 71

There is a lot going on this weekend, much of which is making me sad. I didn't know it was going to have this affect on me, but here we are. 

For starters, this marks the 10 week anniversary of when, in an instant, my life was shattered into a million little pieces. I realize that me calling out the number of weeks each Saturday may seem monotonous, repetitive even, but it's a big deal (to me). Other than a couple of longer business trips, I was never away from Damian for more than 5 days at a stretch. And even then, I was able to talk to him over the phone. To hear his voice. To have him ripped from my life, cold turkey, with no contact of any kind has been really, really hard. Remembering each successive Saturday what I went through, what Dawn and I went through, that fateful day in December is agonizing. It's not that I want to think about. My brain just goes there. I may not wake up thinking about at some point I always do. Eventually. 

Today was the Georgia state robotics tournament which Damian's team made it into. In a show of support for the team (Lakeview Academy's Galactic Lions, 5898), Dawn and I went to watch them. It was good to see his friends and teammates, but like the other meet that we attended, I could feel Damian's absence. He was supposed to be here. Dawn felt it, too. After a while, it got to be too much for her and we left. The main part of the tournament was already over - Damian's team did not advance - so all we missed were the finals and the awards. (Team 5898 finished in 25th spot out of 31 teams.) As we were leaving I wondered how much better they would have done had Damian still been with them. It's not so much about his contribution could have been (or would have been) as it is the mental toll that his death had on them. I know his passing really shook them all for weeks; some are probably still struggling. Remove this trauma and they probably do better. A least a little. 

Prior to going to the robotics tournament, Dawn and I had lunch with the previous owner of the company that I work and his wife. We hadn't seen them since the visitation service. While it was good to reconnect, it was admittedly difficult to hear about how large their family is now. with lots of grandkids and even more great grandkids. They were excited to share that they have two more great grandkids on the way. What this drove home for me is that with Damian's passing, Dawn and I have no legacy. His death marks the end of the genetic line for both of us. In the years before we had Damian I didn't really care about this at all. In fact I was good with it. Even while Damian was alive I didn't think much of it. But now that he's gone I can't stop thinking about it. It's not a constant 24/7, but I keep coming back to it. Maybe he would have chosen not to have children and our line would have died with him. Maybe so, but at least we had him. Someone that Dawn and I made together. That we shaped, were continuing to shape, into a reflection of us. That we were proud to call our son. And just like that - poof! - he's gone. 

So that's been my Saturday. Maybe tomorrow will be less sad. 

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