Day 111

I'm starting to feel the weight of Damian's absence. That may sound strange given that I've been writing lately about being ok most days. And while I have (had?) been doing ok, the last few days have been more difficult. I can't explain it but there is a heaviness that feels like it's increasing rather than lightening. 

More and more, I find myself staring at the places I'm accustomed to seeing Damian. His chair at the dinner table, the stairs coming down from his bedroom, his computer desk in the basement. I can see him clearly enough in my mind's eye; I can hear his voice –  him yelling into his headset as he plays video games online with his friends or giving me the same one word answer when I ask how his day was – "Fine". I find myself looking at pictures of him on my phone and my computer, sometimes trying to remember the context in which a picture was taken, other times knowing without thinking the where and the when. There is usually this moment where it all crescendos into a single thought: "Did I really lose him forever?" I almost always come away from these moments feeling empty and dispirited. On occasion I feel like I came within a hair's breath of having an emotional collapse, which admittedly, I sometimes wish had happened. 

Maybe these feelings I'm experiencing now are the manifestation of the ones I had been worried were going to hit last Wednesday on his birthday. Only instead of being subjected to an intense and acute pain for a single day, they came on later than expected and decided to do a slow smoldering burn that will last who-knows how long. I'd be less concerned if the feelings weren't intensifying. Or am I confusing frequency with intensity? 

I think Dawn feels it, too. Today has been difficult for her. But it wasn't just today. Her week has also been hard, emotionally. Writing this now, I'm reasonably certain a lot of it has to do with his birthday last week. But not all of it. I just can't say with any confidence what else is contributing to these feelings. Even if I could, would it make any difference? 


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