Day 86

I'm feeling anti-social. Dawn is at an impromptu gathering with neighbors. Hard pass. Maybe next time. 

I was recently asked by my grief counselor, Andrea, to spend more time exploring and writing about my feelings. The only feelings I ever seem to identify with are anger and its many dependent children, and guilt. I sometimes feel sad but I think a more apt name for it would be melancholy. Apparently even after all this time writing about what I'm going through day by day I still can't wiggle my ears (read: I can't feel the feels). Does that make me emotionally crippled? The irony is that I don't want to be this way. I just don't know how to change it. 

I have empathy and compassion for others; probably more so than I do for myself. I've been beating myself up lately for gaining weight. The only person that cares if I'm fat or thin is me and I apparently I no longer care. Is it just me or is this starting sound like self-pity? 

Best if I unplug now. I don't like where this is going...

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