Day 90

Today I'm wondering how repetitive I'm being with my blog. 

With very few exceptions I have not reread any of my previous posts. I do know, however, that I have covered the same topics and points of view on more than one occasion. It's not that I'm lazy and can't come up with something original; it's because I write in the moment, what I am thinking and feeling in the now, as I write. And yes, sometimes I retrace my steps. I think I've been doing this a lot more since Damian died. Just cycling through many of the same thoughts, feelings and memories as I try to make sense out of what happened, how his death has impacted me and how it will impact me and my life going forward. The bottom line is that it's not easy to process any of this. I think this is what the next several months are going to be about - trying to regain my equilibrium and to feel ok with it. 

Assessing where I am now, I'm doing ok. I have some days like Monday where I'm sad and look forward to hitting the reset button with a good night's sleep. Mostly, however, I have been on fairly solid footing the last few weeks. No swan dives into the depths of the abyss, or spelunking in the caves of misery and despair. I may get the brief heart squeeze - Dawn's term for it - from time to time but they are mostly fleeting. Almost anything can trigger a squeeze: a piece of clothing, a random memory, a photo, the way the dog looks at me. Something about the timing of it along side all the other countless variables and there it is - squeeze - "Ow! That hurts." - and then it's gone. I sometimes try to hold onto them, to give the feeling time to register and to embrace the discomfort. But, alas, I've had no success. I'm playing peekaboo with a phantom that likes to hide in the shadows and pop up only when I don't expect it. Not my rules but that's the way it works. 

Despite my terrible track record, I'll keep trying to lock into one of these heart squeezes. While I'm not optimistic, I appreciate the fact that it's guaranteed not to happen if I don't make the effort. Using a baseball metaphor: you can hit the ball if you don't swing the bat. 
 

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