Day 92

I slept in this morning. Well, I stayed in bed for a really long time after I woke up. Like almost lunch time. I didn't plan on it but after going to sleep very late last night, just didn't feel like getting up. Plus the weather was crappy - cold and very windy - so staying under the covers felt justified. 

Today I  and several other sailing club members received an email from the event chair for next Saturday's 2022 sailing season kickoff dinner party informing us that there will be a moment of silence held in honor of all the members who have died during the last year. Everyone who was on this distribution had lost a parent, spouse, or child. The email went on to invite all of us to attend next Saturday's dinner party. As this is only a week away, I had written off any expectations that someone would reach out and recognize our loss. That said, I was surprised by by the email and spent a good portion of the afternoon drafting possible replies in my head. 

Option 1 - no response. Why bother? It's not going to change anything. 

Option 2 - Simple but snarky response: "Hard pass. Also, please tell me who I need to contact about resigning from the club."

Option 3 - A polite "no thank you" followed by my reasons why I am not coming written in a dispassionate tone of voice that still conveys my disappointment. The point of which is to impart some wisdom on how to do better. For future reference. 

While we were eating dinner tonight, I mentioned this to Dawn. It was at this point that she informed me that sometime yesterday she had sent an email to the current president of the sailing club that included a copy of my blog post from a couple of weeks ago where I first shared the disappointment and resentment I was feeling for the club. I had no idea she had done this, but as soon as I found out it totally changed my views on the email I had received today. My conclusion is that today's communique' only happened because Dawn said something. If not for that, I would still hear only the crickets chirping (or given today's weather, the wind howling). So yeah, one more log of disappointment to throw on the fire of my resentment. 

Dawn thinks we should go next Saturday if for no other reason than to make others uncomfortable. I'm totally not down with that plan. Besides the fact that I will resent the hell out of being there, I'm stuck with the belief that it's not going to change anything. (See Option 1 above.) I'll probably end up being the most miserable person in the room wanting to be almost anywhere else. No, I'm  more inclined now to resign my membership and simply walk away. I know who and where my friends are and I also know who and where they are not. 

It's time for me (us) to move on. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 84

Back home in Georgia. No problems getting here, but things got a little tense between Dawn and I.  I was anxious going to the airport in Tucson because we left later than I would have preferred. Our flight was scheduled to leave just before 3PM, but we didn't leave the house until 1:15. What I didn't know until we were on our way is that it was going to take nearly 40 minutes to get to the airport. It was nearly 2 by the time we there. Fortunately it took almost no time to get our bags checked and through security, but they were close to boarding our flight by the time we got to the gate. Because of all the anxiety I had about getting there on time, I was pretty keyed up by this point. My anxiety led to a miscommunication between Dawn and I as we looked for a place to get a sandwich to take with us on the plane. She thought I took off on her; I thought she wanted to go to another place because she didn't want a sandwich. After a couple of curt exchanges, we both apologized ...
Read more

Day 642

Full disclosure: In social settings, people avoid me. They don’t want to make eye contact with me, nor do they want to talk to me. I’m not approachable. The thing that sucks (for me) is I have no idea why this is.  I went to two corporate dinners this week. On both occasions I felt like an outcast. Conversations were going on all around me but I wasn’t part of any of them. Not really. Heads were turned away from me. At no point did anyone turn to ask me a question or make eye contact to welcome me to the group.  I’ve been in other group social situations where I am talking to someone, 1 on 1, and another person will come up and initiate a conversation with the person I’m already talking to with zero acknowledgement of me or the conversation that I was already having with that person. Rude yes, but also demoralizing.  This is killing my self-esteem. It makes me want to retreat into myself and go live a life of solitude. My reason being that if there is no one else around, ...
Read more

Day 639

I feel really sad today. So much so that I’m cracking open my blog for the first time in forever and writing another post.  It’s been a long time. Too long, in fact. I think I hit a point where I got burned out on writing. Or maybe it was trying to come up with something fresh to say. I don’t know what it was exactly. It just followed the same trajectory as almost everything I’ve ever done in my life - I started out with lots of dedication and persistence only to see it wither and die because I lost interest.  I’m not sure what I’m interested in anymore. Watching TV is thing I do most. Although I have picked up my (acoustic) guitar again. (Let’s see how long that lasts! I’ll be surprised if I’m still playing it by the end of the year. Color me cynical.) Is my lack of interest in life a manifestation of grief or is it something else? Today, I just feel completely tapped out. Like, what’s the point? It’s mostly all just meaningless.  The few areas of my psyche that are not ...
Read more