Day 98

Feeling...what? Not sure what label to put on how I feel right now. 

I just got home from the Lakeview Robotics team dinner and award ceremony where several minutes of the evening's program were spent remembering Damian. Dawn and I were presented with a framed patch that included the signatures of his team members and coaches. Damian was (posthumously) presented with the "Chain" award for connecting everyone on the team and faculty together. And finally, there was a slide show dedication that was all Damian. I'm sure that his friends had a big hand in putting it together. It was a touching tribute. One that I wasn't really prepared for mentally. Another opportunity to say goodbye. Again... 

I love that his coach, Mikhail and his teammates did this for him and for us. To remind me (us) that Damian was important to them, too; that he won't soon be forgotten. At the end of the day, this what I want most - to know that the memory of Damian lives on in others, not just with me and Dawn. It's the people who understand this that I want to be around. But it comes at a price. The grief comes not from what others do or say, but from knowing that this is all I will ever have - a longing that he be remembered, not forgotten; a wish. Holding onto a wish feels a fools errand, like I'm trying to hold onto smoke. Eventually, it will fade into nothing.  As it does I expect to see the inky blackness of despair, waiting patiently to welcome me should I choose to surrender. I can't see it now, but I know it's there. Call it a sixth sense. 

So let's say that I'm reeling tonight. At least a little. Would I have wanted tonight go any differently? Well, sure, I wish Damian had been there himself, in the flesh, and spared me, Dawn and everyone else the pain of losing him. But since I can't have that, then no, I wouldn't have changed how tonight went. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 84

Back home in Georgia. No problems getting here, but things got a little tense between Dawn and I.  I was anxious going to the airport in Tucson because we left later than I would have preferred. Our flight was scheduled to leave just before 3PM, but we didn't leave the house until 1:15. What I didn't know until we were on our way is that it was going to take nearly 40 minutes to get to the airport. It was nearly 2 by the time we there. Fortunately it took almost no time to get our bags checked and through security, but they were close to boarding our flight by the time we got to the gate. Because of all the anxiety I had about getting there on time, I was pretty keyed up by this point. My anxiety led to a miscommunication between Dawn and I as we looked for a place to get a sandwich to take with us on the plane. She thought I took off on her; I thought she wanted to go to another place because she didn't want a sandwich. After a couple of curt exchanges, we both apologized ...
Read more

Day 642

Full disclosure: In social settings, people avoid me. They don’t want to make eye contact with me, nor do they want to talk to me. I’m not approachable. The thing that sucks (for me) is I have no idea why this is.  I went to two corporate dinners this week. On both occasions I felt like an outcast. Conversations were going on all around me but I wasn’t part of any of them. Not really. Heads were turned away from me. At no point did anyone turn to ask me a question or make eye contact to welcome me to the group.  I’ve been in other group social situations where I am talking to someone, 1 on 1, and another person will come up and initiate a conversation with the person I’m already talking to with zero acknowledgement of me or the conversation that I was already having with that person. Rude yes, but also demoralizing.  This is killing my self-esteem. It makes me want to retreat into myself and go live a life of solitude. My reason being that if there is no one else around, ...
Read more

Day 639

I feel really sad today. So much so that I’m cracking open my blog for the first time in forever and writing another post.  It’s been a long time. Too long, in fact. I think I hit a point where I got burned out on writing. Or maybe it was trying to come up with something fresh to say. I don’t know what it was exactly. It just followed the same trajectory as almost everything I’ve ever done in my life - I started out with lots of dedication and persistence only to see it wither and die because I lost interest.  I’m not sure what I’m interested in anymore. Watching TV is thing I do most. Although I have picked up my (acoustic) guitar again. (Let’s see how long that lasts! I’ll be surprised if I’m still playing it by the end of the year. Color me cynical.) Is my lack of interest in life a manifestation of grief or is it something else? Today, I just feel completely tapped out. Like, what’s the point? It’s mostly all just meaningless.  The few areas of my psyche that are not ...
Read more