Day 122

Posting this a day late. I was exhausted last night after signing off from work. Just didn't have the energy...

Since Damian died, I find that my attitude towards certain aspects of my life has changed. And not necessarily for the better, I'm afraid. 

I've already talked about sailing and sailboat racing so I won't belabor them now other than to say that I have almost no interest in them. At least not here on Lake Lanier. I no longer have any desire to workout. None. When I think about it at all, my mind always goes back to the same thought: "What's the point?" I also don't seem to care as much about what I eat as I did in the Before.  This past weekend, while Dawn and I were in Sarasota, I ate gelato and Tiramisu (on separate occasions). It's been several years since I ate anything remotely that decadent, but there I was happily shoveling in the calories. Again, the prevailing thought being, "What difference does it make?" Makes for a nice companion piece to being a content couch potato though.  

I've got a weird spot on my cheek that I know I should have checked out by a dermatologist. Whatever. A part of me actually kind of hopes it is cancer. The bad kind that will take me out. 

Financially, I apparently now have no qualms about spending money. Not that I was miserly before, but there is a marked difference in my outlook. To the point where I no longer feel any pangs of remorse spending money on plane tickets when I could drive, chartering a boat for a private sail when we could share the expense with other people we don't know, nice dinners in restaurants vs. eating at home, hiring outside contractors to work on my house when I have the skills to do the work myself. The list goes on. Not having to concern myself any longer with private school tuition, college tuition, and the added expenses of a third person is financially liberating. That's how I'm interpreting it anyway.  

When I zoom out and look at it collectively, it all boils down to a single point of view: I don't really care that much anymore. Instead of worrying about being healthy, looking good and having money to pay for Damian's college tuition and still retire comfortably, I've more or less thrown in the towel. All I really want to do now is whatever makes me feel good in the moment. That said, work has been a struggle the last couple of weeks. My interest in it registering slightly higher than zero. I was hoping our trip to Sarasota would recharge my batteries but that doesn't appear to be the case, unfortunately. 

What worries me about all of this is that I don't know if it's permanent or how far it will go. 




 

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