Day 125

Yo-yo. If you asked me to describe this week, yo-yo would be a good word for it. Up and down. Or more accurately, neutral and down. 

Tuesday was my big down day. Yesterday was back to neutral. Today was back down although not as far thankfully as Tuesday. Unfortunately, Dawn also had a rough afternoon today. We were coming back from her office and I made an offhand comment about resigning from the sailing club. Something about how I said it just took the wind out of her sails. That's what life is like now, though – fragile. There are the obvious triggers but so many hidden ones as well. I just never know when I'm going to step on one, either for me or for Dawn. A poor night's sleep is, as I have learned, a bad omen. Whenever this happens, especially to Dawn, prepare for trouble. What would, under "normal" circumstances, roll off without issue, becomes considerably larger when viewed through the haze of a tired brain. All it takes is one thing, however minor, to set it off and the rest of the day is likely shot to pieces. The only reliable remedy being a better night's sleep than the last.

My struggles this week are staring to take a toll on my job performance. I've started off each day this week with the best of intentions but I just cannot engage. I spent time today trying to figure out why. What I've theorized is that my life outside of work feels really hard - today, yesterday, Tuesday - and because it's so difficult I don't want to make it more difficult by dealing with all the complexities and challenges of my job. I want easy. Simple. I want to fight a war on one front, not two. 

War? Interesting choice of metaphors. Not sure why I picked that one. Makes it sound like I'm fighting my grief which is not the case. But there are times that I do feel victimized by it. In the sense that it has its way with me at whatever time, place and intensity it chooses. And yes, I mean to refer to it as "it", instead of being just another emotion like sadness. This is because I can't control anything about it. It just takes over and stays for as long as it wants. 

I sent a note to my boss and his counterpart late this afternoon advising them that I may have to take some time off. I don't know how I'm going to re-engage with work, but I know that right now I'm no good to the company...

I spoke today with a contact at a local chapter of The Compassionate Friends (TCF). They meet the 3rd Thursday of every month. She told me about format of the meetings, how everyone there has gone through a similar loss and how we are free to speak or not speak. I think it will be good for us to meet  other members of our tribe and hear how they have learned (or are learning) to cope (?) with their loss. Hear how they were (or are) able to focus on work. Work, life, it all seems so pointless at times.

This is so hard...

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