Day 127

Spent some time in Damian's room this afternoon. I wanted to go through some of the dresser drawers and sort things. Keep? Donate? Toss? Undecided. It takes time. Some of it is easy. Some of it not so much. There were moments when I wondered (worried?) if I would find anything unsavory or unsettling. I didn't, but I did find a sheet of paper with this poem on it:

            I've met enough people.
            Seldom a human being.
            Therefore, I will wait –
            until my life's purpose
            is fulfilled 
            and you will come. 

            Though there is anguish
            deep in my soul –
            what if I must search for you forever? –
            I must not lose faith, 
            I must not lose hope. 

            Alena Synkova

I don't know why Damian kept this. Maybe it was just the happy accident of a slobby teen who didn't throw anything out. Or maybe there was something about it that spoke to him, and he consciously decided to keep it. Whatever the reason, I'm glad that it was there, buried amidst the other detritus of his life. 

As I read it for the first time today, I felt the author's intent wash over me. I've read it numerous times since and it moves me with each reading, the parallel to my own life, here in the After, hauntingly familiar. Damian was above all else a human being. I've never met anyone like him nor am I likely to ever again. His death has made me question what is my purpose in life. Does this mean that when I find it, maybe, just maybe, I will be able to "see" him again? 

There are no guarantees that I will find it – my purpose – but I must not give up. To quit is to say goodbye, to surrender to the anguish. Damian meant too much to me to let that happen. I will find it. I will find you. 

I won't stop looking until I do. 

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