Day 133

Today has felt pretty normal. Haven't thought much about Damian today. At least not yet. I was on several phone calls this morning and then had lunch with my friend and colleague John. Dawn came to lunch with me. We had a good conversation. Damian's name got dropped several times in the context of comparing the behavior of someone else with his. "Damian was like that, too." is a good example of what I mean. It was all very normal, almost like he never left. I think this was good. Healthy, even. Feels like progress. 

Last night Dawn and I attended our first group grief session that wasn't affiliated with Andrea's practice. It was a small group, only 10 people in total. We were an eclectic bunch – 7 woman, 3 men; 8, maybe 9, over the age of 50 1 person in their 20s; and 1 minority. One thing did stand out for me: With the exception of Dawn and I, and a mom and her son, everyone there last night was by themselves. From the ensuing discussion, I gather that many of them are divorced. For at least two members of the group, the divorces preceded the passing of their child. There may have been others that this applied to, but I can't say with any certainty. Not making any judgements; I just found this interesting. 

The session was started by reading the parent's credo, followed by the sibling's credo. Then there was a reading of the April birthdays and of the April passings. We were told the person's name and either their birth date or their death date. There may have been one or two names that had both an April birthday and an April death day. After the formalities of the meeting were addressed, it was time to encourage sharing and conversation. This was facilitated by one of the members, whom I gather has been attending these meetings for several years, who asked some simple questions like, "What have you done to find comfort or to help you remember your son, daughter or sibling?" And "What would you tell a friend or a relative about your journey with grief that would them better understand what you are going through?" I'm not going to get into any of the specifics of how these questions were answered by anyone, but I will say that the answers did provide insight into how well people are coping with the loss of their son, daughter or sibling. My general sense is that most present are not doing well. I heard and felt a lot of anger, much of it directed at other people, not the deceased, including attending physicians, therapists, and the ex-spouses of the deceased. I also heard a lot of despair. "I don't know why I should go on..." "I have no one to talk to." "I can't let go of any of [his | her] belongings." This was a bit of a shock to the system. 

Dawn and I are not even to the five month mark of our journey with grief and we are in a room with people who, for the most part, have a significant head start over us – 3 years, 8 years, some as high as 15 and 20 years . Most of them still can't bear to part with any of their child's belongings. Some can't even look at old photos, the pain still too intense. Too raw. I was dumbfounded.  Now, with the benefit of a day's chance to think on it, I'm also a little apprehensive. Am I still in denial? Has the weight of what happened not yet hit me in full force? I don't think this is the case, but I can't rule it out entirely. My strong sense is that I have, in spite of the terrible tragedy that pushed me into the After, been fortunate in terms of handling grief of this scale because of my relationship with Dawn, our financial health, our jobs, and Andrea. 

For starters, Dawn and I have each other, and we can talk about what happened to each other at any time of the day or night. Having this kind of 24 x7 access with someone else who knows exactly what I am going through has been hugely helpful. Especially in light of how capricious grief can be in terms of when it shows up. Any time I get a pang of sadness I can turn to Dawn and tell her what I just felt. She is always willing to listen and will often follow this up with an "I love you", a hug and a kiss. Likewise, I'm able to hold her when she hits a rough patch and listen to how she is feeling. None of which would be possible, mind you, if either of us were blaming the other for what happened or if we were divorced and living apart. 

I think that having an identity as a couple prior to Damian has also made a big difference. For starters, we have handled adversity before. Nothing of this caliber, but painful none the less. My father passing away unexpectedly in 2011 and some early health scares with Damian come to mind. We know how to lean on each other for support because we've had to do it before. And because we were married for many years prior to having Damian, we know how to function as a couple, as simply husband and wife. This last statement may come across as harsh. It's not meant to be. The point that I'm trying to make is that I think this would be a lot harder if we had had Damian right after we got married and really only knew how to relate to each other as parents raising a child together. 

Other advantages include our financial freedom and work situations. We have the means to have regular (weekly) counseling sessions and both of our employers have given us nearly carte blanche autonomy over our work schedules. This makes going to counseling or taking time off because we are feeling particularly sad, doable. And that brings me to Andrea. We wouldn't still be going to see her if the time and money we are investing wasn't netting us something in return. I've been to several therapists in my life and I can say from experience that she is a rare find. We were very fortunate to be connected with her in our darkest moment. Maybe it was kismet, maybe it was blind luck, don't know, don't care. Just grateful that it happened. She has been incredible to to both of us and incredible for us. 

The point to all of this is that last night made me appreciate even more what I still do have – Dawn, financial independence, an employer who is extremely understanding and chill, a world class therapist who is giving us the tools to not only endure this journey but to grow from it. Putting all of this together into a single package has been incredibly helpful in terms of being able to move forward, not to "get passed it", but to advance. To accept the After much as we might resent it and to know that we go here not alone but as husband and wife, committed to the end.