Day 134

I thought of Damian today without getting sad. Not the first time I've done this, but today was different. It felt like I was at peace with his absence. Maybe it's wrong to feel this way so soon, but I didn't. Not today at least. There will still be days with pain and sadness, and probably some with guilt, but I'm taking this one day at a time. And today was a good day. 

Dear Damian, 

Your mom and I are having some major landscaping done at the house. We had all the bushes in the front of house pulled out. Literally all of them; except for the ones in front of the garage, they are still there. They also took out the Osmanthus. That was the really tall bush in the back corner of the house by your old bedroom. 

Oma and grandpa gave your mom and I the Osmanthus as a house warming gift (I think). I don't know how tall they are supposed to get, but it really did well where we planted it. It was just about to reach the gutter, so that means it had to be close to 20 feet. Our landscaper recommended that we take it out since we are having pavers installed in that area. He said the roots would mess with the pavers. It made sense but seeing it go was bittersweet. It's been with us almost as long as we've been in this house. Same as you. 

Your mom and I lived in this house only a couple of years before you were born so for most of our time here you were with us. There are a lot of memories of you for me here, almost all of them happy ones. Your old bedroom, the kitchen, the living room, the basement before it was finished, the yard. We had some good times, we did. 

As I think about your old bedroom now, I'm reminded of your growth chart. I haven't looked at it for a long time, but I remember that we made a point of measuring how tall you were on your birthday and, if memory serves, in September, 6 months after your birthday. Or before your next one. (6 of one, half a dozen of the other...) I don't know what we will do with your growth chart when we leave this house. We will take it with us wherever we go, but I'm not sure if we will hang it up again. That would be a shame though. It reminds me, as I think about it now, how you grew over the years. Not just physically, but in all aspects. I loved all the different versions of you, just as I love this version of you now. I don't where you've gone; all I know is that you are not here. And that's ok; I still love you and always will. 

Dad

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