Day 136

"We never get past our grief. We just learn to live with it." I've seen this written in several of the grief books we were given after Damian died. I've also heard one or two parents express this sentiment during group sessions. Maybe it's premature for me to weigh in on the veracity of this axiom, but it feels right. I won't ever forget Damian or stop feeling the sorrow and the longing brought on by his absence. Having said this, I do believe there is a difference, however, in processing one's grief versus just living with it. 

I made a decision early on that I was not going to hide from my grief or to simply "live with it". I could have quit my job, quit my marriage, quit my life. I could have easily started drinking again. (Who would hold that against me?) Instead I went the opposite route. I sought professional help and took to heart the instructions that were given to me by the person I entrusted to show me how to rebuild the foundation of my life: stay hydrated, eat, write, talk, sleep. Repeat. By doing these things, especially the writing and the talking, I have been, and still am, processing my grief. Actively seeking to answer the questions: "What am I feeling?" and "Why do I feel this way?" has allowed me to not only know myself much better but to also move forward. That is not to say that I've moved past my grief - I haven't - but it does mean that I'm not stuck in one place – the trauma of grief and loss. This is an important distinction. By being able to move forward, I am reconnecting with my life. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that I'm connecting with my new life. And in a healthy way.

This new life of mine, while difficult at times, is not one of constant, crushing sorrow. Yes, I am still sad, but not nearly as often or as intensely as before. By moving forward sadness is no longer my defining character trait. Nor are anger, guilt or resentment. All of these things are a part of me, just like being a father, and having a son who died are a part of me. But there is so much more to me. I am a husband, a lover, a son, a brother, a friend, as confidant, a colleague. I am all these things. To process my grief means that I can embrace any and all of these personas when and as needed. 

Processing grief is a proactive endeavor. Its goal is not to forget or to "move on" but to understand how what has happened has affected me, to better understand how I now think and respond to what I see, hear, smell, taste and feel. This is important because I have seen the alternative. And it's fucking terrifying.