Day 138

Every now and then I stumble across something that, for one reason or another, makes me do double take.  Last night I experienced a moment like this when I came across the following passage while reading before bed:

"Long after the firefly had disappeared, the trail of its light remained inside me, its pale, faint glow hovering on and on in the thick darkness behind my eyeballs like a lost soul. 

More than once I tried stretching my hand out in that darkness. My fingers touched nothing. The faint glow remained, just beyond their grasp." 

From the novel Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami

My heart skipped a beat the first time I read this, my mind immediately drawing the parallel between the words on the page and the experience of losing Damian. It was like the author had written these words knowing what I was going to feel and why. 

While I, or we, never called Damian  "firefly" they are, in one aspect, largely interchangeable. Firefly was the name Damian gave to his first sailboat. After he chosen the name of his Opti, Dawn had "Firefly" decals made that we put on both sides of the hull. From that day forward, whenever Damian was out on the water, we always knew exactly who people were talking about whenever they mentioned Firefly. We could also use this as a marker when people would ask, "Which one is yours?" Answer: "Firefly." 

April 1, 2015 - Damian sailing his Opti, "Firefly"

Like a real firefly, Damian came into my life only for a short while. In that time, he brought me much joy. When he left me, I was not ready to let go. Not prepared for the darkness. In the first few weeks after his death Damian was still my firefly, a small point of light in the darkness of my soul. A small beacon of hope outlined by the grim reality that although I wanted to touch him, I could not. Recently, I have begun to see the first signs of light of a new dawn. My firefly gave me some of the courage I needed to get here. 

Now, when I am alone in the night, I still see my firefly, winking in the darkness – on, off, on –  letting me know he is still here. Still with me. His glow is soft and warm. Reassuring. 

I love you firefly.  


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