Day 141

It's hard to control my monkey brain. Without any help from me, it likes to think weird stuff. Today it was all about "what ifs". 

For example: What if Damian hadn't died? What would he be doing now? And then my mind races off considering all kinds of different possibilities. Damian is wrapping up his end of year school projects, stressing about finals and complaining about both and school in general until the last day of the term. He is buying "cool" stuff on Amazon for his computer or his car. He is sailing on Wednesday nights and some weekends. We are in Charleston this weekend for their big annual regatta. This then leads me to wondering how things would have changed for Dawn and I had nothing out of the ordinary happened all those weeks ago. Some of it is easy to see: Dawn and I did not take trips to New Mexico, Colorado, and Arizona. Sarasota happens but Dawn doesn't go; it's just me and Damian. None of the house projects are done. We don't meet Andrea. I'm sailing but am not in contact with my fraternity brothers. I'm still working out but not writing this blog. Dawn is working and celebrating not having to drive Damian to and from school every day. She is also stressing out about Damian driving by himself.

Another scenario that zinged through my head today was this one: What if I had died that night instead of Damian? Dawn is sad and lonely but the bond between her and Damian has gotten even stronger. Dawn is still working but thinking of quitting. Damian has matured a lot in the last 4 1/2 months knowing that he had to step up to help out. His room is still be a huge mess. They debate over selling my pick up but in the end let it go. Dawn and Damian meet Andrea because she wants to find a counselor for Damian so she asks school for a recommendation. Andrea and Damian have a counseling session together. They get along swimmingly but Damian does not want to follow through on Andrea's writing assignments. Dawn tries to make him do them, but in the end, she losses the war of attrition. Damian celebrates his 16th birthday with his mom and his friends but he is sad that I'm not there.  

The craziest scenario my brain came up with today was this one: What if I had been told something terrible was going to happen several weeks in advance but  didn't know what exactly that something was, didn't have an exact date and time, and, most importantly, I was unable to speak to anyone about what I knew. How do I live my life differently knowing that something awful is coming? I am extra loving and attentive. I am also prepping for doomsday. Dawn and Damian think I've gone around the bend because of this. They are also upset with me because I won't tell them why I'm acting this way. Dawn gets really mad at me. Tragedy happens. I am absolutely gut punched because I didn't see "this" coming, I only knew something bad was going to happen. I am conflicted about whether or not to tell Dawn of what I knew. If had known why hadn't I stopped it from happening she demands. Any response I come up with completely inadequate so I just stay quiet which upsets her even more. 

This is my monkey brain. It does this when it gets bored. Painting is boring. So is raking the lawn. I did both today. I wish it would just stop thinking and learn to be quiet. Not every idle moment has to be filled with random thoughts. 

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