Day 145

I am upset with myself. I just realized that I don't have a lot of quality videos of Damian. What got me here was the need to hear Damian's voice again. 

Dawn mentioned something in the car this afternoon about preserving the personalized voicemail greeting from Damian's cell phone. As she said this I realized that I hadn't heard his voice in several months. I haven't been able to stop thinking about this the rest of the evening. 

When I got home, I started looking through my computer for videos of Damian. What I found was disappointing. Most fall into one of two categories: either no talking at all or high school speak with his friends. He made several selfies - does that term apply to videos of oneself? - but he hardly speaks in them. It's mostly him giving the finger to the camera and making weird faces. You know, the kind of stuff adults look down on but that teens think is cool. 

I want to hear the son that I remember. To listen to the deep tenor of his voice as he makes an intelligent observation about the world around us, around him. I want to hear his precociousness shine through. To feel the vibration of his deep laugh. I'll keep looking but I'm worried that I won't find what I'm after. If that's the case, it's going to sting. 

Hopefully Dawn has better stuff on her phone. 

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