Day 148

It’s been raining the last 3 hours. This is too long. I can feel the gloom that came with the rain enveloping my psyche. I don’t like this feeling, like being lost in the woods, alone. My mind goes places it probably should not. I miss Damian most when it’s like this. I can’t explain why. The rain itself holds no special significance in terms of my shared memories with Damian.

I used to enjoy rainy days. I would look forward to the gray skies, the drumbeat of the rain hitting the roof and windows. Rainy days provided the perfect excuse to stay inside and read a book, preferably something new. Back when bookstores were still a thing, Dawn and I would make a point of going to Borders or Barnes & Noble on a rainy day and losing ourselves. After a couple of hours, we would walk out weighted down by the heft of several new books apiece. We did this with Damian a few times, too. When he was younger. All of this seems like a distant memory now. The bookstores are mostly gone, and the gray skies and rain no longer give me the joy they did in the Before.

I need to see the sun – son? – again. To feel its warm embrace. I know it will come so I just have to hang on. My life, this life that I have now in the After, can be like that some days – a struggle to find the inner strength to hang on, to run out the clock on today. The one solace I have is that my hard days are fewer and more spaced out. I guess it’s also a plus knowing that I’m more likely to experience a bad day when it rains, at least during the daytime hours. Like a warning before an impending storm, I can use this time before the rain arrives to prepare. To adjust my plans and expectations accordingly. Best to know this about myself now. 

This journey is a long way from over…