Day 154

The end of another week. It's hard to believe that we're nearing the six month mark, but here we are with June 11th only four weeks away. My birthday is June 17th so only 6 days separate the two occasions. On the one hand I wish there was more time between them but at the same time I don't think it really matters. I've already let it be known to my mom, my aunt and my wife that I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year. Nope. Full stop. Just NOT feeling it...

But maybe denying others the opportunity to celebrate my birthday is the easy way out. Hiding from it,   acting like it's just another day, as a way to avoid living those moments of my life that are supposed to be joyous, celebratory. But what am I really hiding from? 

In a word, guilt. And probably a little bit of shame. If I skip my birthday, I won't have to worry about feeling guilty for letting others make me the center of attention or for enjoying myself as a result. And feelings of of shame for having pushed Damian to the background of my thoughts, at least for while. I can simply just skip all of this by treating the 17th like any other day and asking those around me to do the same. This feels like avoidance, the opposite of leaning in. No one said this was going to be easy, remember? 

I guess it comes down to deciding which is best for me in the long run. I can avoid it entirely or I can say to hell with it and go all in with a huge birthday party. Spoiler alert: There will not be a big party. I'm just not that guy; never have been. I would be ok with a nice dinner out or at our house with some close friends. I can get behind that. At least I can right now, in this moment. I'm sure I will feel differently later on, the anxiety over potential feelings of guilt pushing me to isolate myself and stay disconnected. 

Another day, another challenge...





Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 84

Back home in Georgia. No problems getting here, but things got a little tense between Dawn and I.  I was anxious going to the airport in Tucson because we left later than I would have preferred. Our flight was scheduled to leave just before 3PM, but we didn't leave the house until 1:15. What I didn't know until we were on our way is that it was going to take nearly 40 minutes to get to the airport. It was nearly 2 by the time we there. Fortunately it took almost no time to get our bags checked and through security, but they were close to boarding our flight by the time we got to the gate. Because of all the anxiety I had about getting there on time, I was pretty keyed up by this point. My anxiety led to a miscommunication between Dawn and I as we looked for a place to get a sandwich to take with us on the plane. She thought I took off on her; I thought she wanted to go to another place because she didn't want a sandwich. After a couple of curt exchanges, we both apologized ...
Read more

Day 642

Full disclosure: In social settings, people avoid me. They don’t want to make eye contact with me, nor do they want to talk to me. I’m not approachable. The thing that sucks (for me) is I have no idea why this is.  I went to two corporate dinners this week. On both occasions I felt like an outcast. Conversations were going on all around me but I wasn’t part of any of them. Not really. Heads were turned away from me. At no point did anyone turn to ask me a question or make eye contact to welcome me to the group.  I’ve been in other group social situations where I am talking to someone, 1 on 1, and another person will come up and initiate a conversation with the person I’m already talking to with zero acknowledgement of me or the conversation that I was already having with that person. Rude yes, but also demoralizing.  This is killing my self-esteem. It makes me want to retreat into myself and go live a life of solitude. My reason being that if there is no one else around, ...
Read more

Day 639

I feel really sad today. So much so that I’m cracking open my blog for the first time in forever and writing another post.  It’s been a long time. Too long, in fact. I think I hit a point where I got burned out on writing. Or maybe it was trying to come up with something fresh to say. I don’t know what it was exactly. It just followed the same trajectory as almost everything I’ve ever done in my life - I started out with lots of dedication and persistence only to see it wither and die because I lost interest.  I’m not sure what I’m interested in anymore. Watching TV is thing I do most. Although I have picked up my (acoustic) guitar again. (Let’s see how long that lasts! I’ll be surprised if I’m still playing it by the end of the year. Color me cynical.) Is my lack of interest in life a manifestation of grief or is it something else? Today, I just feel completely tapped out. Like, what’s the point? It’s mostly all just meaningless.  The few areas of my psyche that are not ...
Read more