Day 161

I had a really good day today. John called around lunch time to ask if I'd like to play golf with him late this afternoon. I said yes without thinking about it. I'm not a golfer. The last time I picked up a club was a year ago when I went to the driving range with my brother. I'm so glad that I accepted John's invitation. It felt great to be outside. I didn't realize how much I needed to get out of the house until I was on the second or third hole. We played nine holes in two hours after which we went to dinner. The restaurant was so so, but my dinner companion more than made up for that. John and I had a really good talk. Meaningful. There doesn't seem to be much that we discuss. I hope this lasts for many years to come. The openness and honesty in our dynamic is refreshing and welcome. 

Over the course of my life, I've gotten really close to only a handful of people. With only a couple of notable exceptions, everyone that I ever truly confided in has ghosted me. This has wreaked havoc on my self esteem. "What did I do to push [name of former friend here] away without any explanation or warning? Am I an asshole?" I never thought that I was (an asshole), but there is definitely a pattern here that suggests otherwise. At least that used to be the case. I believe that my sobriety – it will be 10 years this October –  is helping to offset some of this. While not a panacea, not drinking has enabled me to grow emotionally and to be much more in tune with the feelings of others. As a result, I'm less of a dick and more empathetic. So win-win. 

Looking forward, I want to invest time into the relationships that are important to me. I don't need a lot of friends. I just need a few very close friends, like John. 

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