Day 170

Had a nice dinner tonight with John and Rachel. It was good to see them. We are only fifteen minutes from each other, but given how infrequently we get together you would think we lived much further apart. 

Talking tonight at dinner, I was struck by the casualness with which Dawn and I are able to tell anecdotes that center on Damian. Anyone not familiar with how recently all this started for us would, I'm sure, assume after listening to us talk that Damian had died at least two or three years ago. Definitely not last December. 

There is a hint of guilt in writing that these words. Not strong or overpowering, just a vague sense of it. Like my brain is asking if I should feel guilty because it doesn't know the right answer. 

There was one moment during dinner where I stumbled slightly. Dawn caught it and asked me if I was alright. I told her yes, which was honest. It had passed quickly and wasn't overwhelming. The thought or emotion that I had I'm familiar. It's the sadness that comes from knowing that I will never know how Damian's life would have turned out had he and we stayed on the happy path. As we were talking tonight, John made a comment about how Damian would have come into his own soon and could probably have done anything that he set his mind on. While I agree with John's assessment, the reality is that I won't know what Damian would have accomplished had he continued living for many more years to come. Maybe something, but then again, maybe nothing. What I do know is that I'm thankful that Damian was who he was and that he was, and still is, my son. 

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