Day 191

 The following post was written on Saturday, June 18th but was not uploaded until today due to lack of Internet access onboard the cruise ship…

For the first time in my life I am at sea, somewhere off the coast of British Columbia steaming northwest towards Alaska. Best guess, we are 20 miles offshore. I’ve seen land - mountains - to starboard a few times this morning. The view out of our port-side cabin is nothing but shades of gray – the steel gray of the ocean and the white-ish gray of the sky, a dark line separating the two.

The ship we are on - Ovation of the Seas (OotS) - is massive: 1,200 feet long, 135 feet wide and 16 stories above the water line. Below the water, the ship draws nearly 28 feet. I can feel the ship moving side to side but it’s not bad in our room on the 10th floor. It gets more pronounced the higher you go on the ship. It’s not enough to make me queasy thankfully, but I could see where that could change quickly given an unfavorable sea state.
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We will be sailing all day today. Tomorrow, some time around 6 or 7AM, we arrive at our first port of call: Ketchikan, Alaska. This will be my first time setting foot on Alaskan soil. I’m looking forward to seeing it. If memory serves, Dawn and I are planning to walk around tomorrow as most of the excursions were already sold out by the time we booked our trip. No matter, we should still have a good time…

Yesterday, June 17th, was my birthday. I turned 54. I almost splurged - almost - and bought myself an expensive watch as a birthday present. I was tempted, and if I’m being honest, I still am. But I am trying to be responsible. The less responsible part of my brain was (is?) trying to use Damian’s death as justification for giving into the impulse. The thought being that I will think of him each time I look at it. Maybe there is something to this, but I’m not ready to go there yet…

I was talking to Dawn yesterday evening about what it would have been like to have Damian on this trip with us. I’m sure he would have enjoyed being on the boat, but like our trip to Grenada, he would have enjoyed it a lot more if we brought one of his friends. By himself, he probably would have been a little bored. At least until he met some other kids. I just wish he were here. The trip would have been that much better.

Tomorrow – Sunday – is Father’s Day. My first one as a father without a child. The thought of that burns like acid on my tongue. I want to say that this is life being cruel, but life isn’t cruel or kind, it just is. Bad things happen every day, just like good things, it’s only when they happen to us or someone that we are close to that we really pay attention. December 11, 2021 was the day fate frowned upon me and took Damian from us. It was and will always be my “worst day ever”. Days like tomorrow are just reminders of what my new normal is. Of course I live with the new normal every day, but for whatever reason some days there are those special days, dates, that just make the feeling of loss more acute. Tomorrow will be one of those days, but maybe walking the streets of Ketchikan, seeing Alaska for the first time, will make the edges a little softer.Here’s hoping.

Hey, Damian. What time is it where you are?


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