Day 198

Dawn and I are back from our cruise to Alaska. We got home yesterday afternoon after an uneventful flight from Seattle. 

The trip was great in terms of the sightseeing. Lots of exotic wildlife (e.g., whales, seals, eagles, bear etc.), majestic mountain ranges, breathtaking waterfalls, glaciers and a bajillion pine trees. Alaska is a truly amazing place. We are already talking about going back to see more of it. If we do go back, we will tour it from land rather than by cruise ship. Seeing what we did from the water was cool, but having done it once I don't think I will feel the need to do it again. At least not on a ship that large. Maybe something half to a third the size of the behemoth we were on...and a lot fewer people. Not that we have to worry about this any time soon. It will take six months of work to pay off this trip...

We had two days during out trip where we were 'at sea' all day – day 2 (Saturday) and day 5 (Wednesday). On both days, I rarely saw land. If I did, all I could discern were the faint outlines of some high ranges very far off. What I did see all around me was water. As far as the eye could see. On the second of these "at sea" days (Wednesday, day 5) the skies were clear so I could see water all the way to the horizon in every direction. When I positioned myself in such a way so as to not see any part of the boat in my peripheral vision, I was overcome by the emptiness of it all. My thoughts went almost immediately to the last night of Damian's life questioning again what was going through his mind wondering if he felt as alone as I felt in that moment on the ship staring at the sea. Then I thought of my experience in the days that followed and how I felt then like I was also completely alone facing an endless horizon. Both thoughts were unsettling and upsetting, but I held onto them for awhile, just staring at the open ocean. Feeling the isolation and the insignificance of being such a tiny spec on something so vast. While not a warm or comforting sensation, it was something that I needed to feel, to experience. I don't know why exactly, but in that moment it felt right...

Today, after spending several hours on the couch doing nothing, I mowed the lawn and gave my monkey brain some time to roam free. While it was probably ok to let it have some "me" time, I didn't like where it went. There was LOTS of anger, much of it directed towards our government, the supreme court and the (radical?) right. There was lots of gnashing of teeth and daydreams of going somewhere else. I just don't know where that somewhere would be exactly. I also don't know how practical it is to uproot and move to another country, but given the number of people who I know or have met that are not from the US it certainly seems like it should be doable. 

While maybe not as ready to move out of the country as I an, it appears that Dawn is getting more comfortable with the idea of moving out of Georgia. The pain of coming home from a trip hasn't gone  away for her like it has for me. Each time we come back home she relives the trauma of losing Damian as all the memories of what happened come flooding back. Although the spells (?) don't seem to last as long, they are still intense. It's hard for me to see her this way but there isn't much I can do other than to be as supportive and understanding as possible. 

Last evening was another tough time for her made worse by the fact that she was overtired and hungry. Coming home from dinner, she said that she wanted to move away. I understand this feeling but I also don't think that moving away will make it go away; it will almost certainly bring a new set of issues (triggers?). That's not to say that I don't want to move – I do – I just want to do it on our terms and with our eyes wide open. The act of leaving this house, the only house Damian ever lived in, will in itself be very difficult. I don't know how hard, but I do know that it won't be easy. Just thinking about it now gives me the chills. The sense I get is that as we leave this house, we will be truly saying goodbye. For wherever Dawn and I go next, it will be just the two of us. So yeah, this day, when it comes, will be tough. 

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