Day 206

I was bored this afternoon so spent a few minutes scrolling through Dawn's Facebook page. When I first opened it up, there was a picture from 10 years ago today of me and Damian at the 4th of July parade in Cumming, GA. Until I saw the picture I had forgotten all about this 4th of July tradition of ours. The three of us – me, Dawn and Damian – went to the parade for two or three years in a row. The big draw was the steam tractors. Damian loved them. He was going through his tractor phase at the time and was just enthralled by the sights and sounds of the big, noisy, mechanical beasts. I enjoyed them, too. It was pretty cool seeing something so big lumbering along knowing that it was powered only by boiling water. And man were they loud. The steam whistles could pierce right through you. After the first year, we were better prepared and brought ear plugs. 

Damian was a little boy during the years we attended the 4th of July parade. It was fun and rewarding watching him grow, from baby into a toddler, from toddler into a little boy, and so on. All the way up to being a healthy teen on the cusp of becoming a young man. It's one of the things that I miss most now that he's gone – seeing him come into his own at whatever stage of phase of life he was in and then move onto the next one. That, for me, was one of the most rewarding parts of being a parent. To see the growth – physically, mentally, socially – and to understand that there were no real limits to where it could all lead. With Damian's death this was all ripped away. Just gone. 

Going to the 4th of July steam tractor parade is a happy memory of a bygone era. There are others but this one stands out for me today.  

Dear Damian, 

Hey, kiddo. Sorry I haven't written you in awhile. I was under the weather after mom and I got back from Alaska. (Yeah, I got sick again but it wasn't COVID so that's a plus.) 

Today is the 4th of July. I was thinking about when we used to go on the 4th to the steam tractor parade in Cumming. How much fun the three of us had even though it was always hot and noisy. I remember you standing there with your headphones, hat and sunglasses watching all the tractors go by making sure that mom and I took pictures of everyone of them for you. And you picking up the candy off the street thrown to the crowd by the people riding the tractors. I don't mean to sound sappy and sentimental but it's a really nice memory for me. Your love of tractors was so pure, so genuine. 

I don't feel like celebrating the holiday this year without you. No fireworks or big meal from the grill. Just me at home with the dogs and something easy for dinner. It's just not the same without you around. I can't explain it. That part me is either dead or dormant. Maybe it will come back some day but for now it's gone or switched off. I'll let you know next year if anything has changed. 

Just wanted to let you know that I'm missing you today. I've missed you other days, too, but today just seems a little more acute. I'm guessing it's because it's a holiday and because mom isn't here. She's in Iowa again visiting grandma and grandpa. They miss you, too. Everybody does. 

I hope your journey through the stars continues to fill you with awe and wonder. 

All my love, 

Dad

Comments

  1. C.A. Baker JrJuly 8, 2022 at 2:28 PM

    Chris. I am very sorry for your loss. I read about your blog on LinkedIn and have been following the blog since. This is Geoff Baker, I am just logged in with my father's blogspot profile. May loving memories like this chapter ease your loss and bring you comfort. Take care.

    ReplyDelete

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