Day 213

Last week was long and lonely. Dawn was, and still is, out of town visiting her parents. I felt very isolated. Alone. I rarely left the house. So of course my mind went to some dark places, lines of thought that I can best describe as "unhealthy".  If not for the Lexapro I'm on, I wonder how bad it would have gotten. I am very thankful right now that I'm taking it. Another point for Andrea for recommending it. 

One of the places that my brain went was why I don't have more friends. I feel like I can count on one hand the number of true friends that I have; two (hands) if I'm being generous. After that, everybody I know feels like more of an acquaintance - people that I'm comfortable being around but don't actively socialize with unless our paths happen to cross. I feel like I get along with people when I'm around them, but that very few people actively seek me out. My phone rarely rings with an invitation to do, well, anything. I don't know why this is so, but it's been this way for years. I don't think I'm an asshole but I can't rule out the possibility. Maybe I'm also clueless. (Am I a clueless asshole?) So there you have it, one of my big insecurities. Kind of sounds like me asking why nobody likes me. But again. it's not that I feel like I'm disliked, I'm just not liked enough to want to spend time with. The offshoot of this insecurity is feeling like I'm invisible. 

Have you ever walked up to a group of people having a conversation, stood there for several minutes listening to the back and forth banter, and have no one acknowledge your presence? Happens to me all the time. Or at least it feels like it does. I've gotten to the point where a lot of the time I don't even bother walking up to a group. Better to not make the attempt and preserve what dignity I feel I still have rather than test it and find that yet again I'm still invisible. 

What's really interesting is that over the years, Dawn and I have done a role-reversal. Once upon a time, I was the outgoing gregarious one, actively engaged in lots of extracurricular activities outside of work and home, while she was more demure, comfortable being at home either alone or just the two of us. Now, we're nearly the opposite. What's more, she seems totally at ease engaging with strangers in conversation. She is definitely more comfortable in social settings now than I am. And good for her; she deserves to be at ease, especially now... 

I've written before about my past relationship with alcohol. This October will see me hit the ten year mark without having had a drink. I don't refer to it as "10 years of sobriety" because I never felt like I was a drunk. I had two problems with alcohol: 1. I craved it every day. Not all day, but every day I had to have at least one drink. Although on most days, it was usually two or three; four or five if it was Friday or Saturday. 2. When I drank I either got very tired or belligerent. 

In the days and weeks leading up to when I stopped, I had been thinking a lot about how hard it was to say no and just not have a drink. On top of this, I was getting into arguments with Dawn over dumb stuff and would very often lose my temper and say (yell) things that were mean-spirited and nasty. Damian was 6 and idolized me. Everything I did, he also wanted to do. It didn't take long to see where this could (would?) lead which is why I started paying attention to it in the first place. And then it just happened – I quit. Well, kind of. I got sick and wasn't feeling well so stopped drinking while I was on the mend. One day became two, then it was three days, then four, and...here were are almost ten years later. 

Ok. So why bring it up? Because last week for the first time in a VERY long time I WANTED a drink. Badly. The insidious part of my monkey brain was practically shouting at me: "What difference will it make if you have a drink? Damian is gone. You're 54 years old. Enjoy what time you've got left." I didn't give into it but I wanted to. Instead I ate a pot gummy and got high. Twice. That's just the way my brain seems to work, always looking for the escape hatch from reality, however temporary it may be. 

Some people suffer from body dysmorphia, a distaste of their physical appearance. I have traces of this, but what I hate more is the way my brain works. My internal wiring. I don't know why it's so screwed up, but I hate not having any idea how to fix it. All I know how to do is deny myself (or try to deny myself) anything that my brain craves. Be it alcohol, pot, tobacco, black licorice, sugar, porn, etc. At this point, I'm basically playing a game of whack-a-mole with my brain's craving of the moment. 

Brain: "We need more of that" 

Me:     "Oh, you want more of that. I guess we can't have that then." 

Brain:  "Fine, then I'll have too much of this other thing instead." 

Me:     "Arrgg! Please just stop!"

But it never stops. It's appetite for self-destruction insatiable. How do I get it to stop? To just shut up and let go? 

So yeah, I've been in some dark places lately. Fortunately, Dawn gets home on Saturday so I just need to hang on a little longer. Wish me luck.