Day 218

Somewhere my count of the days has gotten off. When I first titled this blog entry I had it listed as Day 220. I just checked it (with the help of Excel) and see that it's been (only?) 218 days since Damian died.  I'll have to check my earlier posts to see where it went wrong. Well, I know where it went wrong. That was sometime late the night of December 10th or early the following morning. I don't know when exactly Damian died, but at this point it doesn't matter. Not really. It wouldn't make any difference one way or the other. Gone is still gone. 

Time has made a difference though. I'm finding it easier to talk to people about Damian. Sharing stories, memories. The sting that I used to feel is mostly gone but I'm fairly certain this is somewhat situational, based on who I'm talking to. I'm comfortable sharing with people that I'm close to but have not tested it yet with strangers. Up to this point, I just haven't felt compelled to share this part of my life with people that I don't know. The one exception being other parents who have gone through the shared experience of losing a child. Weird though it may sound, I do feel a connection to the other members of my tribe. So much so that I'm ok sharing details of what happened almost without reservation. Maybe a little too ok...

Dawn got back home early Friday afternoon. She left Iowa a day early. I'm so glad to have her back. I feel like a different person when she is with me. It wasn't always like this. Losing Damian has undoubtedly changed our relationship, but I think for the better in almost every way. I feel much more connected and more in tune with her feelings. I'm also more patient and understanding. I sense that she  feels much of this as well. We rarely get cross with each other now; much less frequently than we did in the Before. Maybe this is due to our now being profoundly aware of how quickly things can change, and not necessarily for the better...

While Dawn was in Iowa, I started binge watching a show on Netflix called "After Life". The central storyline revolves around Tony (played by Ricky Gervais) whose wife recently died from cancer. Tony and his wife didn't have any children, but they have a dog. When the show begins, the dog is the only thing preventing Tony from taking his own life. He is completely consumed by grief and just wants to end the pain of such a profound loss. Because he doesn't care to live, he's lost whatever filter he once had and tells people – friends, co workers, strangers –  exactly how he feels about them. His brutal honesty is at times laugh out loud funny. It can also cut deep. Ricky Gervais is also credited with writing and directing each episode that I've seen so far. I don't know if Gervais suffered a profound loss in his personal life, but it's almost impossible for me to believe that he could portray grief so accurately and with such humanity without having gone through such a journey himself. The show is not for everyone, but I am blown away by how good it is a capturing what real grief is like. And almost just as important, how its our relationships with others that help us find the strength to go on..

The other day, Wednesday or Thursday, I received a call from my friend John. Not counting the handful of text messages we traded, John and I hadn't seen each other or spoken in several weeks as we were both headed in different directions – Dawn and I to Alaska, John and his wife Kelly up and down the eastern seaboard. During our call, we caught up on where we've been. Most of John and Kelly's travels were related to their son's (Will) sailing, with training in Hilton Head followed by regattas in Annapolis, New York and New Jersey. While in New York they visited a small college that specializes in marine engineering. As John kept talking, I felt the sadness start to creep in.  I immediately thought of what Damian's summer would have been like and also the one college visit that we did last November. I remember what that was like, how excited we all were about "the future". I didn't say anything to John. That wouldn't be fair. I love that he was and is excited about Will's present and future. And I want to hear about all of it. It just comes at the price of being reminded that there is no more present or future for Damian. There is only the past and my memories of him in it. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Day 84

Day 642

Day 639