Day 225

I continue to be surprised (?) by how "little things" have the ability squeeze my heart, to make me feel the loss of Damian more acutely, without warning. 

On Friday, I had to drop my truck off at the service station for an oil change. Dawn followed behind to take me back to the house. On the way home we passed Roberts Elementary. Although Damian went to Roberts for kindergarten, I don't usually give it much thought as I pass by it regularly since it's so close to the house. On Friday, the electronic marquee in front of the school had a banner celebrating the incoming 5th grade class announcing them as "The Class of 2031". I don't know what it was exactly about this that caught my attention, but I could feel the sadness welling up inside me almost instantly. Damian was supposed to graduate high school in 2024, but yeah, not going to happen. By the time these kids that are about to start 5th grade are gearing up for their second semester of 10th grade, they will have made it further than my son. In school and in life. This lead to thoughts of Damian's close friend Will. Will is about to start 10th grade. In 6 months, he, too, will have reached a point in life that Damian didn't. Every day thereafter will be one day more than Damian had. These thoughts put me into a funk that last a few hours. 

I think what it comes down to is that any reminder of time marching on, however subtle, can pull this string that is wrapped around my heart. Some slip by without notice while others find purchase and pull – sometimes with a gentle tug, sometimes with a hard yank. There is no rhyme or reason to which it will be, I just have to accept them as they come. 

The complicating factor in all of this is other people and their level of understanding when the string gets pulled, especially if the pull is hard. The only person that I am around regularly that "gets" this is, for the obvious reason, Dawn. As for everyone else, I get why it's hard to understand how or why I can go quickly from present and engaging to withdrawn and sullen. It could literally have been anything – something that was said, how it was said, a sight, a small, a random thought or memory – that pulls the string. The thing to understand is that I don't blame anyone. I'm not angry or upset. In those moments, the thing that I feel the most is sadness brought on by the profound sense of personal loss and the understanding that what I've lost can never (NEVER!) be replaced. The squeeze is going to hurt as long as it's going to hurt. When I'm experiencing one of these moments I ask for patience and understanding. Being patient with me means not getting annoyed or upset that I've withdrawn from a conversation or am not responding to the attempts to initiate one. Remind yourself that it's not you and that, in time, I will once again act like myself. To understand me in these moments is to not judge me for how I'm feeling. As easy as it may be for you to think that I "should be over this" or "over it", the reality is that these moments are going to happen regardless of what anyone believes. That's true even for me. I've just reached the point where I've accepted that this is who I now am. And I'm ok with that. 



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