Shattered Glass

Shame. Last week I was consumed by white hot fury. Unbridled rage. Now, 7 days later, what I feel most is shame, mixed with a little undercurrent of sadness. I have worked really hard the last few years to gain agency over my temper. Therapy, self-help books, no alcohol – I've done them all. I thought I had been successful. Well, to a degree I have been successful, but if last Monday showed me anything it's that my work in this area isn't done. Far from it. I still have the capacity to go nuclear and to burn bridges with the blast heat of my rage. Another thing that I don't like this about myself. Making it even harder to accept is knowing how I feel when I'm on the receiving end of such an outburst. I worked with a guy for many years who ran hot, always just a few degrees below a full boil, simmering. A little push in the wrong direction and it was the full-on theatrics and tantrums of a recalcitrant teen. And that's where I was a week ago. Replaying the highli...

I hit my breaking point today. An hour ago I just snapped. Went ape shit kicking the door to the basement, hellbent on destroying it before Dawn pulled me away and got me to calm down. Looks like I've got a lot of anger to deal with, still. (And now a door to replace.) A few months ago, I was done with ETI. I was over working there and ready for something else.  And then I got pulled back in with the promise of a lucrative payout if I stayed until the company was sold. Turns out that was bullshit.  I was hoping for enough money where I could not work for a couple of years and not have to worry about finances. With that now out the window, I feel like I'm having to hit a hard reset in terms of where I go next as I doubt that I can afford to chase my life's dreams. Instead, I'll have to find another job at another company. Not an exciting prospect at 54. But right now, I'm so fucking angry that I can't think clearly. I feel like I've been conned. Hornswoggled....

Balance. It's something that I've been thinking about the last few days, trying to determine how to divvy up my time thinking about the Before vs. living in the After. Too much of one and not enough of the other is no bueno, so it comes down to one thing: balance.  As far as I know, there are no instructions on how to find a healthy mix. I do, however, think it's easy to spot when the mix disproportionately favors one or the other. I've met people in both camps: those who can't leave the past and those who run from it. What's ironic is that both do it for the same reason – to not do what they are doing would be too painful. If I had to assign myself to one group or the other, I probably lean more toward looking forward. I can and do look back, but most of the time I don't do so actively. Usually, it's a sense that triggers a memory from the Before. This may lead to other memories but eventually the trip down memory lane comes to end and I'm back in t...